FIGHTING skills – LIVE or DIE in word!
Are you dealing with some kind of MEAN ASS? This article reaches to kind, loving and compassionate people, who sooner seek for the common good for everyone rather than own advantage. Unfortunately, that KIND one may end up oneself being pressured, used or belittled. Do you want to STOP it? You may want to save these scripts to disarm a verbal abuser, liar, insulter or mean cynic! I am inspired by some of my clients, who deal with impossible situations and I share my thoughts, encouragement and practical solutions to empower you, to give you some recognition, knowledge, healing, laughter and new skills!
The purpose if this article is to help the exhausted one to Wake Up from blindly doing their best by climbing the impossible ladder and to firstly clearly see WHO one has in front of him. At the end of this article I brainstormed scripts to enrich the value of this article!
Inspiration by Burned-out
Burnout has many causes such as unprocessed emotions or heavy history, may result as relapse after someone has been under pressure, had too much stress or etc. Recently already the 6th person in a row has entered my practice, who fell out of work for a year or longer, with a tag of ‘heavily burned’ out and even additionally clinically diagnosed with depression due to bullying at work or by a partner! The saddest is that when they get caught up in such a situation, they don’t have enough of the own strength to step out! Or they are blinded by what’s happening trying to be kind and sweet taking someone’s abusive act as a norm or ‘an ongoing bad luck’ rather than an exception.
Self-Confidence does NOT prevent
The damage done by bullying can overcome even a confident personality with the positive attitude and loving family background. One would think that it will overcome less sooner someone who’s generally a little egoistic, but the sad part is that anyone could get into this disastrous toxic (talked sick) trap. The sad part is that the person may not be aware about it till the damage kicks in (starting from apathy, not passionate about work by ending at heavily tired or even depressed).
Nevertheless, the researches show that even the plant being bullied (who doesn’t even understand a word you say) and being told mean words, will dry out and die. Imagine what it does to the human being!
Finally, it’s not your fault. Bad place, bad time, wrong people around you. Bad luck. However, it impacts and destroys YOU when ignored. That’s why you definitely need more people skills as well as rational and emotional core skills.
Your rescue – skills & practicing
Words as weapons
Heal your wounds. Words hurt, words record. Words stay and keep continuing the damage if not processed or heeled. Even the biblical truths citate ‘live or die i in word’. Proverbs 18:21 (MSG) Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose. Only this time you are the one under attacked or under verbal killing. You are not weaponless, get your guns out (your words) and shoot back. If you shoot with a gun for self-defense during an attack, it bends even the law to your side! Talk back! Shoot back! But what does the kind person do? Tries to be polite while being shot (!), giving a full green light for a verbal terrorist to keep on throwing bombs…
Still, it is not for nothing on your path. It is a lesson that will help you understand who you are NOT, who you canNOT deal with, where you absolutely do NOT want to be again and to recognize early signals of a toxic communication. Writing down afterwards for yourself the words you could have said or stating how weaponless and attacked you felt could eventually help you to calm down your thoughts, which spin around when you think back of the day.
What’s your own toxic pattern?
Get out if that abusive environment. It is unfixable. Moreover, it is not your responsibility and probably not your capacity to FIX them! Healing starts with training people knowledge, recognizing own toxic patters like pathological kindness and pathological pleasing of others. Moreover, think of training verbalization of own thoughts and feelings. Strengthen the relationship with yourself. Find and strengthen own independent self-approval mechanism. Define, communicate & practice boundaries.
Cltr+Alt+Delete the damage
Clients asked me already multiple times to write a book on scripts to give some pocket words for defense, since together we did not find proper handouts on assertiveness or ‘talk-back’ scripts. But the reason I am not doing it is that I see back results on people that it is way more healing and powerful to verbalize, apply & adapt it directly in practice.
For the ultimate results I prefer to empathize to the persons situation and emotions during sessions to train the talk directly. Sharing the damage in the save environment is way more powerful than reading a handout! It gives recognition and healing to the damaged piece of mind directly. During empowerment & healing sessions I would also be teaching my clients individually applicable to their personal situations on how to respond, kick back and to get the right word to their mouth, instead of dealing with toxic, getting stuck in balancing it out, or even hoping the other person will ever change.
7 MEGA communication mistakes, solutions & scripts
1# Stop explaining yourself
Firstly – Stop explaining yourself. Understand that you’re not even obliged to give a reply. If someone throws at you sth and you feel triggered by what they said, it will bottle up your emotions and will awaken an inner lion within you, which will want to answer, to defend by explaining. With an abuser it’s useless!
You don’t have to reason or to give any explanations to everything the other says. Moreover, if the bad ass requires explanations, you can refuse to give them as long as the other is in the blow-up, battle mood or in the middle of the aggressive explosion. Even if it’s your boss, your partner, you are not obliged to answer (at least not right away)! You can always shortly say “<…> this I AM NOT, or this is NOT true!’ without falling into detail or getting stuck in a word search. Hold your fear and stand on both of your feet in a storm.
Another thinking mistake in dealing with abuser is to try to explain them that they are mental (usually, they will have some narcissist features and will always find themselves perfect). Such a discussion would be equal to climbing an impossible ladder of fighting and leaves you weaponless.
Instead, Don’t be afraid of sharp words
For example: I find it so UGLY the way you talk to me right now. Are we here again?.Are you trying to say that you better have someone else standing here instead of me, or do you just look for the address to spit your madness?’ What are you doing here then? Are you not able to communicate it in a clear adult way? The loudness of your speech is distracting me from hearing of what you wanna say. If you talk here to get your (menopausal/mid-life-crisis) stress down on me – you should leave. I did not ask you, nor was interested in your interpretation on what you think about me. Swallow your poisonous words back, or go and spit it somewhere else, I am not here to work as a CLOSET for your Emotional Labor.
2# Lack of knowledge
Secondly, expand your knowledge & awareness on what you have in front of you. Often it is useless to explain others how they should behave, should be nice, respectful, sweet or polite. You can only state what their behavior looks like according to you. Remember ‘they’ are NOT ‘you’. In fact, a person featuring with some spices of a narc, border-liner, passive-aggressive, maniac, nit-picker, sadist (and etc.) will never behave like a normal person, nor will understand how such a behavior looks like. Moreover, if such a figure knew different, had self-reflection or self-control, one would probably act differently and you would not be under attack!
I usually see that people ignore and swallow it. But months or years later they suddenly feel tired, drained or stressed without any reason. It is important you get to read, to youtube and reasersch about different personality types.
If you come from a good home, it is possible that you were used to listen and to obey you mommy’s and daddy’s word. Automatically you may fall into adding your kind character to the abuser’s power by feeding him with your support of trying to sedate or to resolve the situation.
You can for example state it: It’s obvious you don’t like <…>, but I did not ask your opinion or comments. You can swallow it back to your throat and keep it to yourself OR go and put it somewhere else. I find it useless to talk to you or to give you any explanations. Also: You obviously enjoy to through dirt on me and to perforate my image into sth very black and shameful. I totally don’t get what are you torturing me here for. You have a very insultive and respectless way of talking. And finally: I absolutely disagree to stay in your abusive act! (don’t give more space to speak). If necessary, shout : Enough!!! Or I am quitting this ridiculous conversation! I know I know, this is not the way you are or wanna be, but remember this is your practice for the fighting skills!
3# Silencing & Hiding
Thirdly, emotional abusers thrive and feed their sickness by your fear and pulling back. They smell the emotions of low vibration like confused, not sure, doubtful, receptive or scared. Make it louder! Give them some recognition by repeating their mean words on what you see: So you are trying to accuse me of <…>, So are you saying (….confirm what your hear, whether they call names, curse or through with mud, sometimes the others really don’t even hear what they speaking out). Make it bigger tell of what you see of how you feel: WOW, I can’t believe hearing this from you. I find your claim to be a cynic harassment in the middle of the day! How are you there to even compare with that, you act as if you don’t know me. You are so twisted in your talk today!
4# Waiting for rescue by being polite
If you are attacked, accused, you could say ‘You are so poisoned minded, hear yourself man!’. Just remember you don’t have to reply all that’s vomited on you, make sure you get yourself out of that room through that door! This is NOT the moment where you should be polite or work as a listener when you’re totally lowered and disrespected. Stop acting a GOOD KID even if you have to walk out if the middle of the meeting or walk down the stage remember – it’s not in your contract to be shitted on. The only funny part of that not being in your contract is: that you will have to be the one to remember it and to act upon in. Nobody, nobody, nobody will pick it up for you or rescue you, especially not in one-on-one fight. You are grown and strong enough to rescue yourself.
Usually, in the official meetings belittling can be wrapped in a nice wrapping paper and you may not have your word directly. Advocate, state: Okay, I agree on the part that this should have been done differently, but the way you speak to me in front of others giving strange looks and faces is totally low, belittling and disgusting.
Fifth mistake is to believe what they say or to doubt your value. Also to doubt at the back of your mind that they are giving you a point to reflect on. Remember: critics by a healthy person is expressed in the mature way as a purpose to win-win solutions and not be breaking you down! Unhealthy person will try to make you feel crazy or over demanding. You are far from it. But if You honestly feel the other is crazy, get it out of your mouth: You are crazy! No? For me you are the craziest bastard on earth! And if they will call you back as crazy, just ignore it and don’t go into it.
6# Pleasing and Balancing
The sixth mistake is to try to please them to calm down the storm or to balance out the situation and hope the other will just somehow automatically stop… and taking this task voluntarily as your responsibility by placing yourself in the middle and imagining that you are some kind of Mother Teresa! You see, the abuser will never give you a recognition or approval, no matter how hard you do your best. You doing your best in toxic situations refers a little bit to your own inexperience, toxic patters, points of attention for healing and lack of boundaries.
Instead, one of the options: state confidently ordering to stop (even if you are scared like hell, don’t show it)! If the kid is creaming and you please him by giving a candy to calm him down, what will happen the next time? He will scream again for a candy! By an adult, this candy could be getting attention or making other afraid by some abnormal act. If you roll into this manipulation, you will trap in to a circle of this happening again and again.
Don’t seek recognition
As well as if you please, you also do not leave the other the opportunity to face themselves. Don’t try to avoid a label or an image of selfish, egoistic or unliked, unloved, which an abuser will try to plug on you. Disapproval and belittling will inevitably happen. Do they call you by a nasty word, reply: If you like to call it that way, SO BE IT! Even if you act perfectly, they will find the way to put you down. But ask yourself, is this healthy? Moreover, is the price, which you pay for acknowledgment, not too high?
7# Lack of boundaries
You see, people with no boundaries, will challenge yours every step of the way. They may not necessarily be abusive. They just don’t “get it” that they cannot speak to you this way, treat you a certain way, or demand your time or attention without YOU agreeing to it. Healthy people, on the other hand, who say NO themselves, will appreciate and handle your NO well too. Healthy people can deal with healthy boundaries, without making the other feel guilty or wrong.
After all: Clearly see the person that you are dealing with (is one healthy or not?) and stop making yourself wrong for having standards, expectations and boundaries with people. Healthy ones can handle it and don’t feel afraid to filter out the rest.
In conclusion: you are NOT a trash bin
All above may not give you all the answers, since every situation is different and unique. You, as every living being on earth, deserve respect and consideration! You may though need to learn skills to address issues and to communicate problems, bringing them towards the solutions. Still, by no means you have deserved bullying, even if you have done a mistake!
Finally, if you attract these situations more often it could be helpful to see if there’s any sub-conscious pull coming from you and turning you into it. Personal session can address your issue, teach you boundaries that are specific for your situation and give a deep reflection on what’s going on, insights and skills to break out of it. You are not a trash bin!
BONUS: extra pocket words
In conclusion, don’t be emotional. Don’t give questions or space to reply. State & cut off! Inwardly stay at your own side! For instance:
For example: Je overdrijft. Je perforeert. Wees niet zo dramatich. Doe niet zo heftig. Ik vind van wel. Dat vind ik niet normaal. Ik vind je gedrag/verwoording ziekelijk. You are so cold and inconsiderable of others. Ik vind je afschuwelijk. I see you are enjoying torturing me! You are selfish and sadistic. Ik vind het niet normaal, ik vind het ziekelijk. I hate the way you are talking to me. Ik vind je zo ondankbaar.
Otherwise: Doe niet zo hysterisch, dat gaat je pijn toch niet verminderen. Ik kan het voor je niet oplossen. That’s a very hard and insultive statement. I find your reaction out of chart. So you are again in your toxic patter, here we go! Dat vind ik heel hard gezegd. Roughly said (plug their name!) My healthy piece of mind is not there to understand how dare you to speak to me this way. So you think you are great, let me tell you, you are NOT. Je irriteert mij met je lage opmerkingen, ik vind je zo laag. And my grandma once said: how dare the sacred ground to carry such a Satan (add: like YOU)!